The Beach, My Mother In-Law and Smokey the Cat

So we decide to go on vacation to the beach with my wife’s family including my mother in-law who doesn’t like the beach.  One particularly beautiful beach day my mother in-law decided she wants everyone to go shop for antiques.  I don’t like antiques.  I’m told me I need to leave the beach right this minute and go spend it in at the antique shop a two hour drive away.

Walk into the large antique shop just livid that I’m missing my swim and spending it here.  I lean up against a table, knock over an oil lamp and accidentally set the store on fire.  The place is full of smoke and everyone runs out.  They had a sleeping cat appropriately named Smokey that comes running out last with his hair half singed off.  

Picture of the cat goes viral.

Needless to say a lawsuit ensued and sure enough I go before a judge name Judy, same name as my mother in-law.  The judge, also a cat lover, sees Smokey with half his hair singed off and was equally livid.  I get one year hard labor, and it takes every dime I have to pay the damages for the antique shop.  The judge orders my gold filling removed in order to pay for the hair restoration for Smokey.

I end up in a prison busting rocks and got sore teeth from the fillings removal.  All they have for dinner is grisly pork chops.  After sucking on these pork chops for nearly a year I’m down to 99 pounds.  Wife asks for a divorce.  On the day I’m released from prison a black cat walks across my path and I nearly go into a tail spin. 

Just then I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking like a leaf.   My wife later asked me about going to the beach this summer with her family.  No mam I say, not unless you want to turn me into a pork chop sucking, divorced man with a serious weight problem.